Li gOes tO tHe DoCtOr!
by Ruby Youkai
Summary: LOL! Everyone has a weak spot, could we have discovered Li's?


A/N: Um, this is my first very lame attempt at a CCS fanfic, and my third INCREDIBLY lame attempt at a humor fanfic, so....*grabs Li and smooches him* Y'know I love ya, Li-Chan, but I gotta use ya for a fanfic, no hard feelin's, right?  
Li: *bound and gagged, can't talk* hmmmmmmph!  
I thought so. On with the ficcie!  
...................................................................................................................................................................  
  
Li looked incredibly nervos today.   
"What's wrong, Li?" Sakura asked.  
"AAAAAH! Oh oh oh, nothin'."  
"Okay..."  
......................................................('know what? I'm too lazy to press.....for, like, forever, GOTAPROB!?)  
  
"Li, ygotta go to the doctor now, don't wanna be late!" Meiling called. "Li?" She ran around campus looking for Li. She caught site of Sakura and Madison. "Do you know where Li is?" "no...why?"  
"I can't find him anywhere...oh my god..."  
Li was standing on the rooftop, looking down at Meiling "IF YOU MAKE ME GO...I'LL JUMP!" He yelled down.  
"No you wont." Meiling said, putting her hands on her hips.  
"YES I WILL!"  
"NO YOU WON'T!"  
"YES I WILL!"  
"NO YOU WON'T!"  
"YES I WILL, SEE!?" Li jumped "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...wee? What the heck? I'm plummeting to my death here, the author's CRAZY!"  
Authore's voice speaks out "No I'm not." Everything freezes, but the people can still talk.  
"Who...who are you?" Li asked.  
"God."  
"No you aren't!"  
"Okay, I'm not, but in this universe, this fanfic, I can do whatever, and next time you call me crazy I'll force you to make out with Tory."  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
"I'm NOT making out with no chinese brat! I'd rather make out with Madison!"  
"Madison? hmmm...I think I can arrange that."  
Madison hides behind Sakura "Please...no..."  
Author looks at her watch "I gotta get going with this fanfic, okay? Ready, set, action!"  
Li continues falling.  
"Sakura! USE THE FLOAT CARD TO CATCH LI!" Kero calls from Sakura's backpack.  
"Key of clow, Power of magic, power of light, surrender the wand, the force unite! RELEASE!" The key turns into the wand-  
"Sakura, it's IGNITE not UNITE!" Madison says.  
Sakura twirls the wand around "Same difference....FLOAT CARD, RELEASE AND DISPEL!"  
Meiling is dragging Li out of a hole already "Thanks anyway Sakura but Li already finished falling."  
"Oh." Sakura puts away the wand and the clow card "Oh, well, I hope he's ok...wait! What the HECK am I saying!? Li? OK? He's TRYING TO STEAL ALL THE CLOW CARDS FROM ME, I HOPE HE DIES!" Sakura storms off.  
...................................................................(I dont' wanna do this!)  
  
Later, at the doctor's office...  
"Now, what seems to be the problem, young man?" Doc asked Li.  
Li hides behind Meiling "Nothing! It's...it's meiling's problem, sir...she's...she...she got...um...SHE'S H.I.V POSITIVE!"  
Meiling pulls out a mallet from no where and smacks Li on the head "I AM NOT!" She puts the mallet away "Doctor, he's just here for a physical examination."  
"Okay, young man, come this way."  
Li hangs on to the corner of the wall "I'M NOT GOING!"  
Doctor grabs Li by the legs and pulls him "YES YOU ARE! IT WON'T HURT, I PROMISE!"  
Li uses his free hand to take his shorts off so the doctor falls backwards. "I AM NOT GOING!"  
Everyone stares at Li with batman boxers on.  
"WHAT!?"  
Meiling swetdrops "I can't believe I'm engaged to this guy..." she mutters.  
.............................(do I really have to do this?)  
  
Li is now on the doctor's table, shaking.  
"I'm just going to take your temperature..."  
Li flinches as the doctor puts in that ear-thingie and pulls it out.  
"Okay, normal temperature."  
Li sighs "Is that it?"  
"No, I gotta check your reflexes."  
"What...does that mean?"  
"THIS!" meiling pulls out her mallet and whacks Li on the kneee as damn hard as she can.  
"OOOOOOOOWIE!"  
"um...something like that." THe doctore says.  
"I wanna go home...WHAAAAAAAAAAA!" Li starts crying.  
Sakura, Madison, Chelsea, and Rita walk in.  
"What are you guys doing here?" Meiling asks annoyed.  
"We just GOTTA see this." Rita giggled.  
Li blushed and tried to cover himself up with the paper sheet on the doctor's table...it wasn't working very well.  
"LI WEARS BATMAN BOXERS!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Sakura yelled, and everyone started cracking up.  
Tory (voice out) Says "WHAT'S WRONG WITH BATMAN BOXERS!?"  
Everyone swet drops.  
"YEAH! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM!?" Batman asks.  
Author yells "HEY, WHO LET YOU INTO THIS FICCIE!?"  
"I DID."  
"And I show you the exit door." Author kicks Batman in the toosh sending him flying..there's a great big hole in batman's spandax. Author checks something.  
"As I suspected, Batman Boxers....grrrr...on with the fic."  
"Now, for an eye exame."  
"What's an eye exame?" Li asks in a babyish voice.  
"An eye exame? It's where they take out your eyes and look at them then put them back..." Madison says.  
Li starts crying agian "NO! I WANT MY EYES AND I WANNA KEEP THEM WHAAAAAAAAAA!"  
Doctor tries to calm Li down "No no no, it's not that, we just test how well you see, that's all."  
Li stops crying "ok..."  
......................................................................................................................................(I'm too lazy)  
  
"Now, tell me what those letters in the first bar are."  
"F...." Li couldn't tell what the second or third were, so he skipped them "U...F U."  
"EXCUSE ME!?"  
"F U." Li says matter-of-factly.  
"WHY YOU LITTLE..."  
"what did I do!? That's what I see! The letter F and the letter U..." Li finally realizes. "oooooh..."  
the doctor mutters some unrepeatable stuff and leads Li to the scale "Now, we gotta weigh you."  
Li groaned.  
"What's wrong Li?" meiling asked "Besides the obvious."  
"I hate wieghing myself, I always find out how much more I've gained."  
Tory, Julian, and Eriol rush in.   
"You too!?" Tory asked.  
Li nodded.  
Julian hugs Li "I'm SO HAPPY I'm not the only one!"  
Eriol smiles "ME TOO!"  
"HEY! NO YAOI-ISH STUFF IN THIS FANFIC!" the author yells.  
"WHAT!? WE'RE NOT GAY!" they all say unanimosly.  
Julian, Li, Eriol, and Tory exchange looks "I thought you were gay!" they say all together.  
"noooo..." Again, all together.  
Everyone jumps out of the group huddle and try to regain whatever pride they have left.  
Eriol looks at Li skepticaly "Batman boxers?"  
"don't ask, just don't ask." Sakura says.  
Suppy-chan flies in...fortunatly Tory, Julian, or the doc don't notice "what's wrong with batman boxers, Erie? You wear them all the time!"  
Eriol swetdrops.  
Julian crosses his arms, assuming one of the girls said that "am *I* the only one who doesn't wear batman boxers?"   
Sakura and Madison sneak up behind Julian and pants him...even worse, he's wearing...TELLETUBBIE TIGHTIES!  
Everyone starts cracking up as Julian puts his pants back on.  
Sakura bites her lower lip seductively.  
Madison looks at Sakura "no..way...."  
Sakura looks at Madison defensively "But it's BIG!" (IIII...think we all know what she's talking about.)  
Madison slaps her forhead and goes back to watching Li's ordeal.  
Li is crying yet again. "I GAINED HALF A POUND! WHAAAAAAAAAA! RICHARD SIMMONS DIDN'T WORK FOR ME!"  
Richard Simmons jogs in, stands in front of Li and keeps jogging "YOU CAN DO IT! JUST KEEP TRYING! YOUR DOING GREAT!"  
meiling takes out her mallet and wacks Richard over the head.  
"ooooh, what kinda mallet is that, Meiling?" Chelsea asks.  
"Oh, this one? It's a nike one, y'know, the new steel-grip handle type?"  
"I WANT THAT ONE! I'm SAVING up for it!"  
"Oh, you can get it at that corner store for 1/4 the price!"  
"REALLY!?"  
"REALLY."  
Nurses are dragging Richard simmons to the emergency room.  
Suddenly a loud crash from the room as doctors and nurses and patients run out "AAAAAAAAAH! NOT RICHARD SIMMONS!"  
"you..can...do it...KEEP...going..." Richard gasps out, then faints.  
the doctor is dragging Li to another room. Everyone follows.  
"what are you going to do to me now!?" Li whines.  
"Nothing, nothing.Just ly down here and it'll be all over soon."  
Suddenly the doctor straps Li to the table "Okay, now you CAN'T struggle." The doctor procceeds with the most embaressing and humiliating part of a physicle exame.  
"OH MY GOD I DID *NOT* NEED TO SEE THAT!" Madison, Rita, Chelsea, Eriol, Tory, Julian, Suppy, and Kero (who somehow joined them) all screamed.  
"y'know, this isn't as gross as I thought it would be." Sakura says, munching on popcorn.  
"Oh, brother. You haven't seen anything yet, just WAIT untill you walk in on him taking a shower." Meiling says "Hey, can I have some popcorn?"  
"Sure." "thanks."  
Now the doctor is dragging Li to the last part of the exame. Li's humiliated, and even gets more humiliated as meiling tells the others of varios embaressing parts of his life. Li's almost in tears...again...  
"what...are those needles for?" Li asks.  
The doctor sighs. "Boosters."  
"SHOTS!?"  
"You can call them that."  
Li looses all sense of direction and starts running around the room. "NOOOOO! NO SHOTS NO SHOTS NO SHOTS!"  
Sakura and Madison intervien and hold him still.  
"Look, Li. If you take your shots calmly, I'll....give you a kiss." Sakura bargens.  
Li did one thing he could do. Scream. Oh, and of course wriggle out of Sakura and Madison's grasp and start running around the room again. Li runs into the wall.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAH!" *thunk*   
Everyone flinches "Oh, that's gotta hurt"  
Li is now weaving back and forth "Oooh. mommy, Looka the purty burnies! What up doc?"  
Meiling puts her arms around Li "Look, sweety, just take your shots and I'LL give you a kiss."  
Suddenly the doc sticks Li with something just as Meiling kisses him.  
"Aaaaah." Li says, content. Meiling beems with pride.  
the doc holds something up...the needle "uh-oh, I don't think this is his booster, I think it's a sedetive..."  
Li stumbles around the room..and grabs Meiling and kisses her full on the mouth...then gives Madison a great big hug "madison...my BEST friend...and SAKURA!" He says, stumbling up to her "What up sweet thing? GIMME A KISS!"  
Sakura runs behind Tory. "NO YOU PERVERT!"  
Li looks up at Tory "now, that what I call a damn fine-lookin' woman!"  
Tory growls "I AM NOT A WOMAN YOU..YOU..YOU TWIRP!"  
Li passes out. The doc was able to give him the rest of his shots without problem.  
......................................................................  
  
Now Li has more or less regained conciousness, even though he's still a little...crazy......he grabs meiling once more and starts making out with her in front of everyone.  
"Li...now is not the time.." Meiling says, pushing him away.  
"But no one is here, dear." He says sweetly.  
Meiling points to the gang.  
"oh..them? They're nothing but ALIENS! I won't live, I can't breath, I won't sleep, 'till your resting here with me!" He says, finishing with the ROSWELL theme song. Then starts dancing will smith style "HERE COME THE MEN IN BLACK! The MEN in black! OH OH OH OH! THE GOOD GUYS DRESS IN BLACK., REMEMBER THAT!" Suddenly he grabs the doctor by the waist, yelling "TINY TOONS! THEY'RE GONNA GET ME! HELP!" The doctor tries to shake Li off while saying in his perfessional-like voice "It's just a temporary state of paranoia and delusion, it should wear off."  
Li lets go and gives Eroil a kick in the shin "That's for telling me I look like a girl!"  
"I NEVER SAID THAT!"  
Li sways back and forth "yes you did, little red riding hood!" Suddenly he grabbed a basket lying nearby (Why is there a basket? I dunno!) and hands it to Eriol. "HEre, you be riding hood, and I'll be robin hood!" He began to run around (still in batman boxers, mind you) "I'LL SAVE YOU, RIDING HOOD!"  
Eriol and everyone else swetdrops.  
Suddenly Li finds an x-ray of someone's head. He holds it in front of his face. "THE INSIDE SCOOP! GET IT!? HAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
Chelsea looks at it closely "I dont' see any brain" she said smugly.  
"THAT'S BECAUSE THERE IS NONE! SEE!? YOU CAN SEE THROUGH MY MOUTH!" He opend his mouth wide in chelsea's face.  
Chelsea turned away and went to the bathroom to barf.   
"TOO MUCH CHILI!?" Li calls after her.  
Now everyone who doesn't know Li is trying to stay as far away as they can from him.  
"Now, I just gotta take his pulse." The doctor says holding his listiner-thingie (I forgot what it's called) To li's chest.  
"Puh-bump, puh-bump, puh-pump."  
"Huh? what a unusual heartbeat!"  
"puh-bump-bump-bump."  
The doctor looks up at Li, who's now speaking into the listiner-thingie.  
"HELLO DOCTOR WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?" Li screams.  
"AH! don't do that you can make me go deaf!"  
Li drops the listiner-thingie and runs around the room. Suddenly he grabs a patient's chart and looks at the handwriting, "oooh, hyrogliphics! YAY!" He throws the paper behind him and runs down the hall.  
"CATCH HIM! BEFOR HE DOES ANYTHING TO ANYONE!"  
They find Li hiding under a table, hugging some other kid's stuffed animal.  
"Li, what is wrong NOW!?" Meiling asks, quickly loosing patience.  
Li points to some operating tools. "Mommy." he whines. "I want my mommy."  
"Those aren't for you, dear, now just come out here.." Meiling says in the sweetest voice poissible, she looks up and gives Chelsea a wink.  
Li slowly climbes out...*THUNK!*  
Chelsea smacks Li over the head with the Nike mallet as hard as she can.  
Darkness slowly overtakes Li's vision.  
"Sandman! Mr. Sandman, gimme a dream, make her the cutest and I've ever seen!" He manages to sing before totaly colapsing.  
Everyone exchanges looks.  
"Hey, where's Kero?" Sakura asks.  
"And Suppy?" Eriol notices.  
"first things first, let's get him somewhere where he can't do anything to anyone!"  
.........................................................................  
  
Li wakes up with a pounding headach, a little more sane then before.  
"Meiling, honey..." He says, taking meiling's hand "Have I ever told you how much I love you?" Meiling blinks twice and shakes her head.  
"Well, I do love you..." Suddenly he rolls off the bed and kneels down befor her "Will you marry me?"  
"Li, we're already engaged."  
"Oh, we are?" Suddenly Li grabs Meiling and holds on to her untill she can't breath. "Our parents couldn't have made a better decision."  
Meiling is now trying to struggle away from Li.  
"I love you so much Mei." He says, totaly oblivios to the pain he's causing her.  
Meiling grabs a crowbar and starts prying Li's arms apart.  
"Your sooo purty." He continues.  
Suddenly chelsea hands Meiling the one thing that will work (holy-sounding music) the MALLET!  
*bonk*  
Li faints yet again.  
Sakura and Eriol hear somthing coming from the medicine drawers. They go to investigate.  
"Yeah, man! I feel RIGHT!" A hippy-sounding voice.  
"Want more stuff, man?" Another voice.  
"DUDE! PEACE TO ALL!"   
"YEAH, MAN!" Sakura opens the drawer.  
"Kumbaya! My lord! kumbaya! Kumbaya! My Lord! Kumbaya!"  
"KERO!"  
"SUPPY!"  
Kero looks up. "oh, Hi sakura. Want some?"  
"NO! Drugs are bad for your brain!"  
Kero pops in another pill "What brain?"  
Eriol and Sakura grab Kero and Suppy and stuff them into Sakura's backpack.  
"I think it's time I gave your little friend, Li, here, a psychiatric evalution." the doctor says.  
everyone nodds in agreement.  
.................................................................................................................................................................  
  
LI finally regained conciosness. He was in a room, with a BIG mirror, he was laying on a couch/chair thing, and the doctor was sitting on a big fluffy chair in front of him.  
"Tell me, what's troubling you?"  
Li looked skepticaly at the doctor...then started spilling his guts.  
  
Meiling, Sakura, Madison, Chelsea, Rita, Kero, Suppy, Tory, Julian, and Eriol watched through the two-way mirror.  
  
"And." Li let out a sob "everyone's just calling me a snob." *sniff* "because I know" *sniff* "I can be a better cardcaptor then sakura!" *starts crying again* "And and and, Kid's WB gave me this" *sniffsob* "stupid name, Li...it's supposed to be Syoaran!" *bawling* "And, all my mom cares about is me upholding" *sob* "the family honor...and last week..last week..." *starts crying uncontrolably* "SOMEONE STOLL A CHOCOLATE-CHIP COOKIE FROM MY LUNCHBOX! WHAAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
Meiling looked around the secret room guiltily "I didn't know it was his lunchbox, honest!"  
"Uh-huh..." everyone replies  
  
"there there its' OK. I suggest you go back home and take some rest, and when any of these things happen to you, you have to get in touch with your inner child, and put him to peace." The doctor turned his attention to his notepad, and wrote down 'Just plain pSyChO', underlining it 3 times.  
........................................  
  
Meiling was gently leading the crying Li out of the doctor's building, still in batman boxers...shivering uncontrolably. When they got back home, Li went into his room. Meiling put her ear to the door and listined.  
"Hummmmmmm. Hummmmmm...hummmmmmm..."  
She opend the door to find Li meditating.  
"Li, what the heck are you doing?"  
"The doctor said to get in touch with my inner child, so I gotta do that....hmmmm..."  
Meiling slapped Li on the back of the head "He also wrote down on his diagnosis "just plain psycho'"  
Li looked seriosly hurt...and started crying. again.  
Meiling looked down at him guiltily and gently gave him a hug "i'm sorry."  
Li grinned "Does that mean I can make out with ya?"  
Meiling shoved him into the wall and walked out of the room huffily.  
Li frowned down at his batman boxers "what did I do!?"  
....................................................................................................................  
  
the next day after school....  
"Hey Li, I heard you wear batman boxers! is that true!?" Zachary yelled.  
"no..no it isn't!"  
Zachary laughed "then what's that!?" he asked, pointing.  
waving in all it's mighty glory through the early-morning wind, were two things...  
a banner saying 'welcome back from the doctors, Li!' and a pair of batman boxers.  
Li did only one thing he could do.  
He went to the corner store to get the latest model of Nike Mallets.  
...................................................................................................................................................................  
  
A/N: That was...wierd...it kinda ended on a sad note...but oh well. Um...CardCaptors doesn't belong to me, and I'm not making any money from it. I dunno where I got the mallet idea from, originaly it was fans. Please don't flame me this is the first CCS and third comedy fanfic I've ever written! oh, and please check mah site out, http://nav.to/foxmon02 thanks!  
  



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